Smart Lyrics about Breakups

Without music I think I’d literally go insane. It’s nice to know that some people have been able to turn feeling shitty about love into very relatable art forms. Something I hope to do one day, but am incapable of at the moment.

Anyway, here are songs that I have grown to love because of the lyrics and how perfectly the represent certain parts of feeling lonely after my latest break-up, that I’m finding particularly hard to move on from.

1. Tegan and Sara – Goodbye, Goodbye

LYRICS:

You let me try
Knowing there was nothing I could do to change you
You coulda warned me
Knowing there was nothing I could do to change you

You never really knew me, never ever
Never ever saw me
Saw me like they did

You never really loved me, never really
Never really loved me
Loved me like they did

//

The lyrics I chose were taken from the bridge and B chorus of the song. Sara explains in a track-by-track somewhere that this song is not meant to be an angry break-up song. I believe her. It’s more just sort of saying bye to someone who probably should have known better than to get into something they weren’t ready for, and being sad that they couldn’t see you how you wanted them to.

2. Foxes – Body Talk

LYRICS:

Gotta rise
Gotta fight
Cause it’s something I wanted
Oh, he’s got to go
I can see in the light
It’s not right
Now I know
I don’t need him

//

I loved this song after listening to the lyrics. It feels like it’s about being unapologetic about what you want from a relationship and realising that the person you thought could fulfil your needs in the light of day, can’t – but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier to accept. The emotional progression in the song also echoes emotional patterns you usually feel when trying to get over someone – “Days like these / I just want you back” to “Days like these / I don’t want you back” to the bridge “Days like these / I can’t even speak”

Although slightly melancholy overall, the song more hopeful than sad, but doesn’t dismiss sadness either.

3. Carly Rae Jepsen – Boy Problems

LYRICS:

Finally gotta let it go
She said to me on the phone
So tired of hearin’ all your boy problems
It could be the perfect day
You’ll just make it rain anyway
So tired of hearin’ all your boy problems

What’s worse?
Losing a lover or losing your best friend
What’s worse
Is when you discover you’re not good for each other

//

 

The whole song is basically a middle finger to those really milking the tragedy~ of a lost love. I like the think I’m on the verge of my friends giving me a spoken word version of this song. The lyric ‘It could be the perfect day / You’ll just make it rain anyway’ was pretty poignant. I’m definitely currently in a mood where it is literally the middle of a gorgeous London summer and I’m convincing myself my life has never been worse.

 

4. HAIM – Days Are Gone

LYRICS:

I remember when you found it hard to give
But I gave it all, I gave you my all
You only took one side
When all my hopes ran dry
Those dreams are gone, gone all along

//

I always liked this song as it was one of the more vulnerable songs on the album – this particular verse represents to me the realisation you have when you stop blaming yourself for things that went wrong when dating someone – you sort of realise it’s not just all the mistakes you made, but also somewhat, if not largely, the failings of the other person. The rest of the song is also very good.

5. Lana Del Rey – Damn You 

LYRICS:

I pray your life is sweet, you fucker
Damn you

//

This song is definitely on my ‘on the verge’ playlist when I want to feel very sorry for myself. Even though it’s unreleased it’s one of my favourite Lana songs. The lyrics are nostalgic and helpless, even though it’s over and she hates the guy she still can’t really bring herself to say anything harsher than Damn You, until she has to try wish him well in a life that doesn’t feature her. It’s good, okay?

//

Perhaps surprisingly this list didn’t feature as many helpless songs and lyrics as I thought it would. Which makes me feel good, and maybe like progress is being made.

 

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Duh, winning

I just finished reading the book Gone Girl and it got me thinking about the games we play with each other in the game of love. I should say that I’m talking much smaller scale ‘games’. Games that do not involve murder and a criminal investigation, affairs and Amazing Amy books, but games nontheless. It’s a curious period of courtship that we find ourselves in, where people in their 20s are pitted against each other in the area of dating, each one with the mentality that they’ll be chucked out as quickly as they were tossed in, the only goal being to come out as unscathed as possible, to be the winner.

In the swipe to like generation I would say that people have a generally warped view of relationships. I can’t count the amount of times friends of mine and myself have pined over complete assholes that ignore us, but threw us a bone every now and then, and then completely turncoat at the ‘really nice but boring guy’ that comes along afterward. It’s almost like it’s not real unless you’re being put through a little bit (a lot) of emotional stress. Love isn’t easy, or so we’ve been told, so we’ve come to associate the hard bits with genuine feeling.

I have a few friends who have told me stories about guys that they have been ‘seeing’, ‘chilling’, ‘hanging out with’ or any other of the non-comittal terms that means ‘we’re fucking but keeping options open’. The story is always the same. They have genuine good times with someone but just can’t seem to get the person to see them as genuine partner material. They can’t understand why, they’re doing everything that would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend but the person will continually avoid the subject, or just give non-comittal/outright rebuffing answers.

The only problem is that some of us have trouble separating sex and emotion. Not in a ‘omg if our genitals touch, it’s luv’ kind of separation, but more of a ‘hey, it’s not unreasonable to assume if we are consistently touching genitals feelings may develop’. This unfortunately leads to them mistaking the constant sex with intimacy, and fairly so, sex is rather intimate. For some people, sex can just be sex, in it’s most vulgar basic functions, nothing more than masturbation with another human being.

Even my friends are not so silly to keep themselves deluded for too long. You can only convince yourself so long that a ‘let’s see how this goes’ means wedding bells down the line. It dawns on them that people very quickly categorize you into ‘no’, ‘yes’ and ‘no, but I’d still sleep with them’ (rumor has it Tinder will implement this feature in it’s next update, not really but you can imagine right?). If it’s the last option, we sometimes get really angry about it. We’re all partner material, how dare this person assume otherwise?

It becomes less about wanting to be with the person and more about getting that person to want to be with you so that you can walk away victorious. Or at least that’s what you tell other people. The truth of the matter is, and will be most of the time in life, your ego is bruised by someone who passed you over like you were a stale hot cross bun (Hi Easter appropriate metaphor!) and while making them like you would technically be possible, it’s not the most healthy of endeavours, and while love does take work, it’s more of a ‘let’s compromise and work on our mutual endeavours that conflict together’ kind of work as opposed to the ‘why don’t you fucking like me’ kind of mind renovation we’re talking about.

Clawing your way to winning is the oldest defense mechanism we have to be able to pull up our socks after we’ve been knocked down yet again. We hate that we’ve made ourselves vulnerable and been punished for it, again. The best thing to do however is just to reflect and realise that just because this other human being, who is not indebted to like me in any way, has factors in their life that mean that they don’t see me as an option at the moment, and that’s fine. I’m not dying. You’ll end up wasting a lot less time and energy on a project that was never going to get finished anyway, I guarantee it.

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Valentine’s Day Sucks

There’s something about this time of year that brings out the crazy in everyone. It might be the realisation January has already passed. We’ve already abandoned most, if not all, of our New Year’s Resolutions, and our Goals for 2014 have been downsized from “Lose 5 Pounds” to “not finish the chocolate block….tonight”. You are in a for a particularly bad time if you happen to be single around this time. Suddenly, as you are innocently buying condoms and thrush cream at the pharmacy the aisles have been changed and there are suddenly a shitload of stuffed animals holding hearts that say shit like, ‘I can’t BEAR to be without you’ or ‘BEE mine’. It dawns on you, Valentine’s Day is approaching.

Valentine’s Day is the worst. It is not a coincidence it shares the same initials as Venerial Disease, as it is just as horrifying, and will happen every year. What? I digress.
The approach of Valentine’s marks the beginning of open season for people you generally hate and do not want to share intimate details of your life with to begin asking probing questions about your love life. These people are usually in smug couples themselves and on the announcement that you have no plans or potential dates lined up that evening, they look at you with thinly veiled eyes of pity and condescension as you quip about celebrating Single’s Awareness Day. I’m not making up this mania either. If I had a dollar for every friend that recently texted me over the upcoming Dateless and Unlovable Ogre Day I would be ($3 dollars) rich(er).

The messages all had a similar thread.

a) That Valentine’s Day was approaching
b) They hated Valentine’s Day
c) Oh and they recently have been rejected by someone they didn’t even necessarily like that much

If there’s one thing that “holidays” like Valentine’s day provoke, aside from moderate weight gain from chocolates (either received, or bought for yourself, in bulk) is the ruthless self-assessment and comparison of your current relationship status and an affiliated degradation of self-esteem. My friends were lamenting the fact that they all had been recently rejected by what youngsters are decreasingly referring to as a ‘booty call’. They would often bookend their singleton status neuroses with a statement that they “don’t even care”. But of course, they care, we’ve all been there. No-one likes to put themselves out there, in an explicit way and be rejected, no matter what time of the year, it hurts.

The reason why Valentine’s Day sucks is because if you’re single, and surrounded by societal signals that you’re missing out, you immediately gravitate toward the thing(s) in your life that closely resemble a relationship. It’s not about wanting a relationship, or about needing someone. Heck, you might not even like the person very much. What we instinctively search for is the validation of the option.

This is why we get weird feelings for the misogynistic 1am booty call. A refusal becomes more than just a signifier of inconvenience, it becomes a personal attack. It morphs a ‘not tonight’ into a ‘I would never consider you for anything longterm’. Once we realise we didn’t have any “options” we can’t help but wonder whether being single is a product of choice or something else altogether. We begin to panic, because what we are slowly realising is that, if we were to be ready to get into a relationship next week, that choice wouldn’t necessarily be ours to make. There were no queues of suitors in the wing waiting for our signal.

The good news is, we certainly aren’t alone in feeling isolated and single around Valentine’s Day. It is also my firm belief less than half of couples actually enjoy the pressure filled day (*statistic based on nothing at all). Relationships and connections take time, a bit of luck and a lot of effort. Unfortunately they aren’t things you can will into being 2 weeks before Valentine’s Day (I’ve tried, Gypsy was a fraud) and just because your booty call isn’t getting down on one knee and spelling out ‘let’s do anal tonight’ in rose petals, doesn’t mean you’re doomed.

 

 

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The Future Freaks Me Out

I honestly thought that there would be an M to F transgender, bi-racial, asexual, left-handed Prime Minister of Australia before I could type the following line. Recently I have been doing what many people refer to as ‘dating’. Perhaps a shocking sequence of events given my history of romantic failings and neurotic misunderstandings of platonic social cues. Despite my natural inclination to downplay it, I’ve definitely been ‘seeing’ someone lately.

Unfortunately the bliss of newfound romance was cut short by the inevitable ‘What are we?’ conversation. The ‘What are we?’ question is usually nervously posed by the party that is most romantically interested in the pairing, unless of course you’re particularly dickish and follow the question up with, ‘because someone on Grindr is hitting me up and I just need to know if that’s like, AOK with you?’

It was a strange situation to be in, usually since it was I asking that question like 15 minutes into a first date. (I joke, I joke) but since I have become so chill being overseas (LOL RIGHT) I had somehow managed to act like a normal rational person and was now the one expected to provide answers on the longevity of our pending relationship.

This just added to my recent anxiety around the future and my future plans. Over the holiday period I was feeling a little naturally homesick, thinking about when it was I was going to go home. I started to get worried about whether there were jobs waiting for me back home, whether I would miss London, and if it would work out if I stayed, could I stay, what was for dinner? I digress. I managed to fill a shit tonne of time imagining the various versions of the future and missing the past that I had left behind back home. This sort of behaviour was characteristic of a lot of my time while travelling, and even back home. I decided to try and analyse why I found it so hard to separate the past, present and future.

The present is something that I find hard to enjoy. Particularly when I’m alone, my mind is never really focused upon the immediate present, it’s trying to consolidate the future or thinking about something from my past is missing. A quote from the SuperModel of the World RuPaul goes as follows

The present requires more answers of you than past or future times. The uncertainty of decision can motivate and inspire some, and leave others paralysed into inaction. In an exaggerated sense, the present commands decisions and choices that will manifest an unknown future. The bold choice you so confidently make today can lead to a future reality of boredom, excitement, loss, euphoria or hurt. As young people we are heralded that our potential is limitless and there are so many opportunities for us to follow our dreams. We were always told to do our best, but never that doing okay is fine as well. In that way choices can be paralysing, if the result in a life path that diminished the potential you once saw for yourself. It would seem I rather enjoy wallowing in the stress of a decision, rather than making one and find that the ~glimmer~ of my potential fades instead of ~approach my open hand~.

The past is an easy place to revisit, because it’s full of answers, outcomes, and definites. Despite how free-spirited we all claim to be, past experience is the reason we all go to McDonald’s after a night out. It’s proven the food may not be great, but it will be open, and deep fried, and will probably give you diarrhoea, and we like that. It is also easy to be selective about what you remember of the past. When you feel like something is missing you can easily pick a memory that reminds you when you possessed that tangible, but forget the source of that tangible may have caused you other negative feelings, downgrading it to ‘not that bad’ in your mind. Even though you might have pain in your past, it’s confirmed pain, and as is won’t suddenly morph into something you can’t handle, because you’ve already handled it. Hence I think of my past and can only remember the things that I miss, that I don’t have, and find it hard to remember how stressed and bored I was back in Melbourne. Reading back on the blog posts from last year almost not recognising the people and time that I was writing about.

The future represents a blissful unknown. Dissatisfaction and insecurity in our present is easily remedied in the fantasies we create through the gaps that the future allows. Beyond practical planning, daydreaming allows us to imagine how we can manipulate people and circumstance to regain what we feel is missing in the present. While comforting, it battles with an anxiety about things not working out, and a hopeless future, and since most people are realists at heart, the latter can triumph and bring us back to, the inactive present.

Since human nature is to pursue the path of least resistance, if the future seems too uncertain, we will often put off decisions until an issue resolves itself. However, a choice unmade is still a choice, but one that has a slightly reduced personal responsibility. It becomes less about a wrong personal choice and demonising time and circumstance as the enemy; simply ‘doing the best I could with the available options’.

Bluntly put, I realised the root of indecision and apprehension in my life was plain and simple – fear. I was scared of being wrong, because being wrong usually meant being hurt (past experience see?). Making a decision meant abandoning the sadistically comforting definites of my past and opening myself to the unknown.

I sort of knew that ignoring the present was a problem, and I lazily resolved on New Year’s Eve to ~pay more attention to now~. I think I’ll have to change that to something else. In 2014 I’m not going to be a victim of circumstance. I will boldly make decisions and take pride in the fact that, positive or negative, I chose to be in the future present I find myself in – and that makes all the difference

 

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You’ve got embarrassment

Recently there has been a upward trend in my friends telling me the below

These are mostly heterosexual women who whisper the secret in hushed tones as though they were telling me about a third nipple. While the idea of internet dating is still a line of stigma treaded by breeders in the gay community internet dating is quite rampant. I use the term ‘dating’ loosely however. I don’t think you can strictly call iOS apps with names like Grindr, Jack’d or Hornet (which I’m sure is meant to be said with a French inflection) for clean internet dating, but the fact of the matter is we are completely willing and able to meet ~internet strangers~ for the purposes of “getting to know them”.

As Gabe Liedman says in his stand-up routine, “Internet dating is safe… insofar as you aren’t going to go on a date with someone who like cuts your penis off, and then that’s what is for dinner”. My lady friends have been on a few dates with little success each tale anointed with the awkwardness of meeting someone under the pretence of having met online. I can certainly understand this awkwardness, particularly so when the person has been sending you wink emojis for WEEKS before the fact, it becomes abundantly clear that rarely do the expectations and wants of two parties ever physically match up. Even if they do, there’s still reservations from both sides. They almost expect the connection to fail because of the contrived nature of it’s set up.

I was chatting to a friend who has recently jumped back into the man-pool of dating and he was setting up dates all over town with guys he had met off Grindr which were going fine. Usually he would meet them have a chat and perhaps hook up with them, but none of them were boyfriend material. He then went on to talk about Watson, a guy he was really keen on, who he had met offline, who I thought, was perhaps not worthy of such adoration. He said that he was the most serious with Watson, and I asked was it because he met him ‘not on Grindr’ and he chuckled ‘yeah, probably’.

I had a little think back to my romantic history. Any guy that I had been truly into, or obsessed over, was someone that I had met offline. I thought about my friends, and anyone that they had decided to date or take seriously were again, not from Grindr. Recently I’ve been having some ‘success’ seeing a guy that I met off one of these applications. He was cute, a little bit shorter than me, good job and nice accent – pretty much ticking most of the boxes that could be ticked in terms of a datable individual. Yet, I was finding myself completely unfazed about whether I would see him again after hanging out a few times. By all accounts I really should have been more into this guy than I was.

It might be pathetic, but I deduced a potential reason was because I wasn’t ready to get into something serious with someone only to have to explain a few months down the track to people that ‘We met on Grindr’. It was to embarrassingly paralysing to me. Although people have and will continue to find happiness and love through online means, I think a majority of people still put value on the serendipitous experience of ‘finding love’ through a more organic means and not forcing it’s hand through the use of technology.

I talked with Alice about it and she was saying there’s no reason why it should be that way. The way the gay community has to operate as a subculture it’s almost expected that we will talk and meet people through these applications. I then asked her if she saw someone online who she knew there was a chance she would meet through a friend outside of Grindr would she talk to them? She said probably not and conceded maybe it was a little bit more complex than first thought.

At the same time, Alice was probably correct in her thinking. Maybe it’s all just psychological stigma that at the end of the day means nothing. If you’re happy, you’re happy, however you met. Besides, if you consider yourself so dateable, and are judging others for having met them on the app, what the hell are you doing on it?

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A Girl Can’t Help It

Recently a friend and I have both experienced the unfortunate phenomenon of witnessing a person we like fall for someone else. We’ve all been there, holding onto a person in our mind, whether secretly or publicly only to discover a few weeks later that they are in a Facebook Official relationship with someone that resembles the love child of a foot and snowman.

There are obvious pros and cons to situations such as these. One of the cons includes the obvious bash to your ego, leaving you feeling a little deflated but also sassy. As you surf the person’s profile you’re just like

u tell ’em

Even the most introverted, low self-esteem individual in the back of their mind believes to some extent they are Miss Universe Two Thousand and Always. Even if we aren’t the most incredibly model-esque, over the top attractive person there are at least quirks about us that are definitely likeable SO I MEAN WHY IS THIS PERSON BLIND OK. Particularly if you have a low opinion of the person that they picked, it can make you very, very confused.

A Pro about the situation is that given that they have moved on, it’s a pretty clear signal that you were somewhat deluding yourself the whole time into the fact that something could have happened. Rachel Z had spent most of her free time arranging to meet a guy she was interested in. Sure they hooked up every so often but she had described his attitude as ‘disconnected’ and ’emotionally unavailable’ – (not a great start). The boy had previously been dumped by a girl, let’s call her Zasha, who ‘just wanted to be friends’ and was still hung up on her (see previous parenthesis). Despite this, she persevered and kept seeing him, besides it’s not like he was saying no, surely he’d come around eventually. A few weeks in the boy was involved in an accident of some kind that wound him up in hospital and she visited him most days. His demeanour was demure which was understandable given his accident. One of the days Rachel was in hospital with him Zasha came in. His spirits instantly lifted and he exclaimed how much it meant to him that Zasha had come to visit him. While he professed his love for Zasha, Rachel slowly picked up her things and left the room and whatever that relationship was. It hit her for real that the guy she was seeing was definitely still in love with someone else.

Much like for Alice and I, when our interests publicly announced their affection for someone else it was a bit of a rude awakening

Despite our best efforts and intentions it wasn’t enough to keep the interest of the other party, but perhaps the best part and biggest ‘pro’ outcome is that it was sort of liberating. We didn’t have to read into interactions any more, we didn’t have to think about how we might be presenting ourselves in a way that wasn’t attractive. Best of all, there was, for now, a sense of closure for the situation.

Sometimes an end to a romantic daydream can be the best thing for us, because despite our fear of rejection we find that instead of being slightly destroyed, we’re free to move on to bigger and better things.

 

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Give a Dog a Bone

Most of us have been faced with a relationship with someone that could only be accurately described as a limbo liaison. You hung out a few times, maybe had sex, things were fine but for whatever reason one of the parties decided to withdraw from the situation. They might have spoken about how they’re busy with work or study, but you know they aren’t but you mutually accept that you’re both adults with lives and dog memes to reblog on tumblr so you understand what it’s like to be busy. Whatever it is can’t proceed ‘right now’ but there’s not exactly a promise that anything will happen when right now passes.

There are many variations of the limbo liaison but the defining factor is that for whatever period of time you were romantically and physically entangled with this individual and a final sense of closure was never achieved. Most of the time the answer was there clear as day, but we’re too proud to really want to uncover the fact someone didn’t think time with us was more valuable than time with a textbook. At the same time, no one promised marriage and there’s no use making drama over every person that doesn’t like you unless you’re auditioning for the premiere season of The Real Cat-Ladies of Singletown. The connection lapses into an area where you are two people who once used to have sex who pretend to be friends, who were never friends to begin with.

Particularly when we are people who were withdrawn from, it is especially annoying and confounding when they decide to pop up in our lives in differing capacities later on.  This could be as simple as a Facebook friend request or inbox, to fully propositioning you to go home with them a few weeks after not replying to any of your texts. It makes as much sense as Nadia Oh’s ‘Music Career’. It’s confusing because you had just come to terms that they weren’t interested, and yet here they are… interested. Your friends might say things like “They obviously like you! They are totally thinking about you enough to text you! That’s a good thing”

Maybe they’re right. Obviously the people are thinking of you enough to want to text you, call you, even make out with you again – but maybe we’re giving these people too much credit, after all, they did decide in the first instance that they didn’t want to pursue anything. Maybe it’s not a change of heart, maybe it’s not a sign that things could work – maybe, you’re being used.

If we were to flip the switch just for a second, and shine a light on us as the sexy Angelina Jolie-esque Hero/Villain (a la in the fine film Wanted). I know that at least for me, there have been people who I have decided it was a good decision to ‘end things’ with someone before people formed expectation or it reached a length of time that could have been considered ‘leading someone on’. I left the person with the distinct feeling that I was the winner in the terms of feelings game. Sure I felt bad, but really I was being a good guy by not pretending that I was into something that I wasn’t. Really, shouldn’t I have gotten a medal?

However every now and then, particularly when bored or not feeling particularly self-fabulous, my itchy fingers would send them a text, just saying hey, nothing big. No big deal right? They’d probably love to hear from me.  Really, shouldn’t I have gotten another medal? I wasn’t wrong, but soon after the return questions began I remembered why I wasn’t into it pretty quickly – but I felt great about the communication, in a weird way I perceived it as myself still being wanted – a pure ego boost.

I don’t want to discount the fact there are good people out there. Perhaps your situation is the exception to the ego-game and they’re really just checking in because circumstances dictate you can’t move forward with any significance. However, to me, if someone truly wanted to re-enter your life in a meaningful way they would definitely be doing it with something more significant than a check-in via chat and unless it feels that concrete, they probably are just looking for a bit of a prop-up. This isn’t advice that’s telling you to completely burn everyone that decides you’re not their cup of sex, but it is just something to help us be clear how everyone needs a little ego stroke sometimes, and not to get that twisted with change.

 

 

 

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