Expiry Dates

Last week I bought a carton of Soy Milk to have with some Organic Muesli I bought (I know, already in one sentence I’m sounding like a pretentious health-obsessed skinny bitch, sigh…if only you could see the truth). Fast Forward to today, I’ve spent the last 5 minutes shaking the bottle and taking small sips out of one of those Nutella jars that turn into fun kiddy cups after you’ve finished the Nutella. The point is, I couldn’t really tell if it was expired or not, it was definitely getting there but for some reason I wasn’t ready to let it go just yet.

This dilemma has unexpected also presented itself in two parts of my Life (life in this instance is capitalised to insinuate grandeur). One of my best friends, Alice, has recently parlayed in a romantic venture with a new classmate, let’s call him Buttons. Alice had been enamored with Buttons for a week or two before making a move. This was an unusually long time for Alice, not because Alice is a woman of loose morals, but simply because she knows what she wants and she doesn’t like wasting time. All seemed to have gone well, Alice explained their night to me, “We spooned!”
I smiled happily for her, waiting for the rest of the details.

“Wait, that’s all?”
“Is that weird?”
I wanted to say yes, but I didn’t know the guy, he could just be a serious fan of body cutlery. I thought it odd that someone would be so comfortable being intimate on such a level (aka, a junk touching junk level) and wouldn’t even go so far as to kiss the other person. Instead I said something like

“That’s so sweet, he’s taking it slow”

There’s slow and there is waiting for Lleyton Hewitt to win another grand slam slow, and Buttons was fast plummeting (ironically) into the latter. It was their 5th or 6th night together and Alice decided to make breakfast for the both of them. Breakfast with a jungle mate for me usually involves a coffee in a take-away cup purchased solo 2 walking blocks away from said bed, however breakfast with Alice is somewhat of a 5 star Hotel buffet affair. Buttons devoured the mushrooms, bacon, toast, eggs and whatever else it is regular people have for breakfast and left for class – no thank you, no kiss.

As it stood, it seems Buttons had fast-forwarded into the 3rd year of a steady relationship, where the sex had already become non-existent and taking each other for granted was second nature. This could have been forgiven, after 3 years of amazing sex; however, 1 night of amazing sex hadn’t even passed as yet.

I make Buttons sound worse than he is, and I’m sure there’s reasons as to why he’s not making latex babies with Alice, but not thanking someone for breakfast and only spooning is both cruel and unusual torture which prompted Alice to ask whether this dalliance had reached it’s expiry date.

If Buttons were a carton of soy milk, He would have been bought about three weeks ago. It’s starting to smell a bit and you know the little benefit you may get out of drinking what’s inside is definitely outweighed by the possible home colonic you’d be providing yourself.

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