You are Fucking Fabulous

I used to have a crazy teacher in High School who would often say

‘Ah Spring, when the warmer weather takes a young man’s fancy’

Okay to be honest, I’m not sure if that’s the exact quote, but I think what he was trying to insinuate is that men get horny around Spring Time.

Perhaps then, it is no wonder that many long term relationships that my friends are in are currently falling apart, which of course, in turn results in phone calls at awkward times with a crying friend on the other side of the phone. I’m a good listener. I will listen til the cows come home. I feel like this is because while listening, you can do other things. As long as you nod, you can still eat, drink, do a sudoku, perve on the next table along and you will still be the best friend ever.

People will often begin the phone call with,

“Cheer me up, take my mind of X”

Bitch please, you can not be all up in my cellular phone sniffing away and expect me not to ask. At least on the phone however, you can out-awkward them by staying silent, forcing them to start a sentence with the classic symphony of non-words.

‘I dunno… I … uhhh… nyeghhhh……meyyyrrrr……ahhhhh!”

I’m a bit cynical about giving advice these days when it comes to relationships. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been one, or maybe it’s because I’ve been burned before . I’ve spent countless hours on the phone to my friends going through all of their issues. I used to be like the Mortgage Choice of advice giving. Tailored Advice to suit your needs. The only problem is, I spent so much time with these people, only to have them completely do the opposite of what I suggested.

The realization I came to, is that relationships cause regular individuals to become completely disabled and insane. Suddenly people are grasping onto relationships that are completely compromising for them (or so they say) and snap at you when you question their actions.

“It’s not like that, you don’t understand! That’s not how it is! He’s not like that!”

Lady, you told me that’s how it is and that he is like that 2 days ago. And I get it, it’s complicated; that’s why Meryl Streep made that film “It’s Complicated”. I’ve copped my fair share of abuse to when I remind people of what they’ve said about their partners, I’ve learned to shut my mouth and not bring it up, because suddenly amnesia will hit these people and you become a monster who suddenly has no heart.

I know I’m not the only advice giver in the world, so to those who often find themselves in this position, let me share with you my formulated silver bullet that’ll stop all these mourners in their tracks!

“Are you happy?”

Asking this question will provoke one of two things

  1. An awkward change of subject, because they don’t want to think about whether they are happy.
  2. An awkward answer, to which you answer, well if you’re not happy you know what to do.

The simple truth is, if they aren’t happy, it is certainly in their power to release themselves from the very unhappy situation they find themselves in.

I’m not a complete robot, I know that every now and then people need to let off steam, and even more so if they have actually broken up. But do you know what? I’m fucking sick of it. Not because of the reasons you think. Not because I now all of a sudden hate listening or giving advice. I love my friends to death, there is no group of people I think of more highly and that is why I think any ongoing (post-)relationship self pity is complete bullshit, and I’m sure this applies to a lot of people. I’m sick of it, because I wish that my friends could see in themselves what I honestly see in them. That is that they are the most fucking fabulous people going around, and that anybody who doesn’t appreciate them or that doesn’t want to be around them does not deserve them anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me. It’s Spring Time.

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