The Ex Factor

Why do exes get back together? It’s a question that I have always asked myself when a friend takes me out to coffee to announce that the person I’ve been hearing about as the most dickiest of dicks in dickville for the past few weeks is back in their life. It sickens me, and there’s always a hint of smugness in the announcement, like they are glad for the achievement of back-peddling into something so wrong for them.

There’s something strange about relationships when you think about it. These are random strangers who come into your life and magically bypass everyone else in it, as if they were at Disneyland and had a Queue4U pass. They become the person that you depend on the most, and in the blink of an eye it can all be over, and the contact goes from almost 24/7 to (supposedly) never seeing them again. It’s probably this massive change that effects us the most; naturally you’re going to miss the person that you’ve spent so much time with, but can that solely explain why a lot of people go back for more? Whether it’s just a conversation or full blown ‘break-up sex’ (what the actual fuck) I have never really understood this behaviour, considering a decision was made by both parties that should pretty much have sealed your genitals away from one another. Whether you had a ‘mutual agreement’ or you were dumped, there should be no reason why you should ‘accidentally’ have sex again.

Then there are the people who say ‘I’m so lonely’. I can understand that, however I think I must be geared a little differently. I like space and spending time alone. I can do it like it’s my job. I have a weird fantasy whereby my relationship involves a button that lifts up a lover that’s been locked away in a chamber that only shows images of me and my life and what I’m doing, and once I’m done with them I can just return them to the conditioning chamber, until I need a companion again. Loneliness, is basically code for ‘I alienated all my friends in the process of having a relationship’. A big part of you may be gone, but it sure as hell wasn’t the most interesting part of you.

The other day I was walking to work, a previous escapee of the conditioning chamber was walking with me as well, and he began asking me about my opinion on a new person that he was considering seeing. I had to re-grip my coffee, and focus my vision to not stumble. My head started spinning a little and I didn’t really know what to say. Did he really feel like he could discuss this with me? I was so sure that we weren’t at this point yet. I took a large sip of coffee, closed my eyes and told him that he could do whatever he wanted, but by the sounds of it this person was obviously visually and mentally challenged if they actually thought he was of any value.

And it dawned on me why exes make people go crazy. No one wants to be disposable. No one wants to be told the seemingly forever phrase, ‘I Love You’ by someone, only to see that person say the same thing to another person a few months later. It shakes any insecurity you have to the surface and makes you think that you as a person, are incredibly easy to get over – which is quite frankly, the worst. There’s nothing wrong with moving on. Can’t they just move cities or something before they do it?

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