Yesterday in my Facebook inbox I received an email from a girl that I probably haven’t spoken to in about at least 8 years. I suppose the ironic part is that I’ve definitely seen her in the last 8 years but still an exchange of words never occurred. She was the popular girl in primary school, you know the one, the one that the dance teacher always put front and center in the performances at the end of year concert (fun fact, In prep I was upgraded from walk on cameo as the big bad wolf to be the front and center sheep due to my enthusiastic dancing from the sidelines during practice, you may call me Christina Aguilera.) and the email was about arranging a reunion as this year would commemorate 10 years of our leaving primary school.
First of all, what? I didn’t know this was a thing. I knew that at the grade six social we were all OMG VITAMIN C FRENZ FOREVER, but really to be honest I don’t talk to nor have had an inclination to talk to any of these people since I forgot about them sometime between year 9 and 11. I went through the list of the invitees and honestly could not place a lot of the faces bar the one girl who I told I had a crush on (HA) and she ran off screaming. She now looks like Rumer Willis so I guess that worked out for everyone. People were skinnier, fatter, more married or pregnant than I remembered and I suppose I didn’t feel much curiosity as to find out what was happening in their lives. The girl who organised it is now dating a prominent footballer so I mean, three guesses why she was so keen to organise the whole thing.
Going through the Facebook profiles of older acquaintances is one of Alice’s favourite past times. She will often send me links of people commenting on how disappointing it was that X was now fat or that Y was having her third baby with a second father. To her, this activity was something that brought a lot of joy. I wondered to myself why I couldn’t look at these profiles and laugh in the same way. It’s definitely not that Alice is particularly malicious, I know a tonne of people who also do this and it’s something that is generically ad karmically hilarious. At the best of times I’m quite anxious about being thrown into social situations that I’m not in control in, and this seemed like the worst of the bunch, to be judged by a group of people who you used to spend every day with as children, who are now ‘Aprentises’. But then I realised, it probably wouldn’t be them who was judging me, I was really using them as an excuse to judge myself, and I suddenly realised that despite how far I’ve come, I’m still not 100% comfortable with myself. I couldn’t be like Alice in the way that criticisms from a double-pregnant 22 year could be laughed off and put down to boganpregnancy hormones, they would probably still affect me in a similar way they did as a kid, and the inability to get over this ridiculously juvenile insecurity is the most annoying part about all of this.