The Friend Zone

Everyone knows it. We like to think we are there by choice, but quite often it’s just not the case. It becomes particularly problematic in the gay scene, a quagmire of sexual/platonic energy whereby a person can embody both a potential friend or ~lover~. I use the word ‘or’ pointedly. While there are those who will profess there is no such line these people have never lived/watched When Harry Met Sally. While not impossible, it’s simply difficult, to abstain from sexual feelings for someone that you are attracted to.

A strange phenomena occurs whereby the party who feels that there is a danger of attraction overtly clarifies which road in the fork a new connection will be heading. There are subtle ways to do it such as offering a Hi-5, or ‘wink and point’ as a farewell gesture or you could go the other end of the spectrum by wearing a fluro full body condom and an X placed over your genital region. Quite often the tactic is to desexualise a person through conversation and let them know in no uncertain terms that you love them ‘as a person’ and not ‘as a penis’.

It becomes awkward when you know that someone is doing it, but you really had no inclination towards them sexually. You can tell the difference because, instead of reasoning with yourself how you can use the friendship card to eventuate something sexual (come on, we’ve all done it.) you are somewhat annoyed at the realisation that they are trying to desexualise you. Here are some of the common lines that people lay

“OMG you are SUCH a good friend”
“I’m so glad we’ve become such great friends
“You’re like a sister to me”

I remember once someone did it with a lot less tact. They said something alone the lines of ‘Ew, I would hate to get a blow job from you. That would be yuck’. I AM STILL FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON. Out of context it sounds a lot worse than it was, the mood was quite playful, although I was still really quite offended by this statement. Despite the fact that I harboured no sexual feelings toward this person I was still in shock as to how overt people needed to be to really concrete the fact that nothing sexual was going to happen. It seemed like a bit of hyperbole. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but even if there was a lack of sexual attraction on technique alone you should want a blow job from me. Even if it wasn’t good it surely was not going to be yuck. I wasn’t going to leave bin juice on your penis.

I find it weird that people have the need to classify people in such a direct way. It is almost definitely an ego thing, having this mental zone of individuals that you feel you are superior over in whatever way. If you were really concerned about blurring the lines between buddy and “buddy”, might I suggest another management system that will prevent people from feeling like asexual invalids?

Maybe don’t sleep with them.

Maybe it’s that simple?


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