Today I was thinking how the world could be improved and my conclusion was that everyone should be forced to have read receipts on their text messages. Everyone except me. World peace ensues.
Read receipts are possibly the bane of 2013 existence – particularly on Facebook where we are now being forced to be extra creative in dodging talking to Idiot A and Creeper B instead of being able to wistfully tilt our head and say airily, ‘No? I totally didn’t get a message from you’
Read receipts also work against us, when we shoot off what we assume to be a fun and flirtatious message only to realise they read it 3 hours ago and are yet to formulate a response. It becomes hard to convince oneself they’ve been agonising over 3 hours for the reply, we regrettably have to face up to the reality that they’ve lost all of their fingers in a near death encounter with African Sharks.
Particularly in relation to people who you are texting for the first time the battlefield is iMessage and the artillery is the messages, emoji and the time you take to deploy each attack.
Below I list a top 4 hit list of the most used text tactics and how they can be interpreted.
You can deny it all you want but I know that everyone has waited just a liiiiittle bit longer to reply to a text message to appear like you were ‘busy with things’ when really all you were doing was checking for Twisties dust in your belly button. You’re all, I’ll wait 40 minutes.. No, Wait, 47 minutes because that’ll totally look like I planned it less.
The Quick Wit
You also need to be sure not to take too long typing the message. You’re so busy and amazing that you don’t think twice about sending text messages right? If they can see that … bubble for too long and your message is only two lines it’s going to be only too obvious you were googling synonyms.
Sometimes, for the sole reason of keeping conversation going you’ll slip in an inane question that beckons for a response. We guilt the other party into answering us by making them with a simple question mark. Questions can range from a simple, ‘sup?’ to ‘can you please tell me more about that painful childhood memory?’
If you’re feeling uber confident sometimes you’ll just send a text response that has no questions, and no direct question that requires a response. It could be a witty statement like ‘but actually what is up with Syria?’ or something deep like ‘And then I realised we don’t even know where language came from‘. It shows we are so blithely unbothered whether the person responds or not.
When the enemy uses it against us
Ummmm what the fuck? You literally just messaged me like 5 minutes ago I refuse to believe that you have since gone to do something important, don’t give me this bullshit that you are ‘doing things’. That’s it, when you reply, after I get over feeling relieved, I’m going to wait so long to respond to you.
The Quick Wit
Oh fuck… I hate how they don’t have to google synonyms for words.
Oh they asked me a question. THEY ARE SO INTO ME Y’ALL.
A STATEMENT? IS THAT IT? IS THAT ALL THERE IS? I HAVE MORE TO OFFER. WAIT. OK. ok ok ok ok… How can I reply using information from the statement… should probably start with a cat emoji…