Most of my week was spent stressing out about Chops, a man that I had met out at a club last week. I wasn’t sure if it was even worth getting into contact with Chops because I was leaving very quickly for London, at best we would get along like a house on fire… then I would leave? The risk hardly seemed worth it. Nevertheless I did, and we had fun “watching movies” but then my mind started spinning because we were getting along really well, and he wasn’t an asshole and oh my god did I maybe think I could like this guy?
I left in the morning and there was a pointed moment where he was listing his schedule for the week and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to tell me he was too busy or trying to hint at when he was free. Midway through his Wednesday Schedule I awkwardly interrupted and asked if he actually wanted to hang out again, he confirmed. My sphincter relaxed.
He was perfectly responsive to texts, and had no player behaviour about him and yet I was convinced that at some point I was going to be punished by the whole situation for pursuing it. I began thinking and then over thinking that I was being an idiot for even trying to see him again – because even if I wasn’t leaving, why would he want to? I was trying to play it cool but it was so apparent by my mood that I was fucking distracted. The amount of hand sweat generated waiting to get a ‘accepted your friend request’ notification could have ended several droughts. Finally I just bit the bullet and messaged him. Punctuating my thoughts with several flirty emojis I suppose he was hypnotised enough by them into agreeing to see me again.
We were lying on his couch chatting and he went on a little tangent about one of his girlfriends who ‘likes to stress out over guys’ and explained that there are two kinds of people in the world – ‘There’s the people who can just chill and enjoy moments as they come, and then there are people who stress out and over think things and end up getting so anxious they can’t even enjoy what’s happening.’
There was dead silence.
He turned and cut the silence by quizzically asking me ‘you don’t agree?’. I took a moment to inhale and then quickly said ‘noooooooidobuttheni’mthekindofpersonthatstressessooooooooo’. He said he didn’t think I was and if I was I hid it well. I’m preparing my Oscars speech as we speak.
I had spent time with Blair two nights before agonising over why the whole ordeal had made me so anxious. Why couldn’t I just enjoy the really great moments happening, what was I expecting to happen? I came to realise that as much as I think I’m over being hurt in the past sometimes the consequences of it are more ingrained than one realises. I was waiting for the catch, I was waiting for the moment that I would have to pack up and bail ship.
He could tell as well, he asked me what was wrong, and ‘I’m only used to doing this with assholes’ was luckily caught by the clenching of my lips. I honestly don’t know how to react to someone who is genuinely nice and isn’t making excuses about being tired or about early meetings, or who lies about the fact they have a partner.. It was daunting, but the realisation that I was letting the actions of others in the past influence how I approached interactions in the present kept me up for most of the night.
That’s really the saddest part, that I get paralysed by niceness because I’m over-thinking about how the niceness is really a cover for deeper rooted assholeyness. Luckily I was able to keep it together and not think too much about the future, and just focused on hanging out, as it was probably going to be the last time I would be able to hang out with this genuinely nice guy for awhile.
At a dinner last week Ruby declared she was ‘rebranding’ her image from a ‘hypersexual, alcoholic party girl’ to a ‘respectable female who is open to the idea and reality of relationships’ (she just sent me a photo of her drinking straight from a Skyy Vodka bottle, so it’s not going great…) My personal rebrand is trying to be more open to connections with overstepping into naivety, to give my active mind a bit of a rest and to recognise when I’m being faced with genuineness and when I’m just second guessing myself and to let people prove that they are assholes before I jump to the conclusion, because it usually doesn’t take that long before you can figure it out – and for once just be chill as this dollar bill